Thoughts and feelings following the suicide death of my wonderful, talented, beautiful and athletic son Andrew. He was a good friend, role model, and gifted writer.
First, I want to wish you a sweet belated birthday (08/03/25). I tried to think of something to give you that was meaningful and it took a while to figure it out. What I really want to give you is time.
I searched the Internet and found a post by a feller by the name of Nick Deakin who was discussing how time was measured. He said:
"Without clocks, heartbeats were used to measure short increments of time in antiquity, boiling an egg, measuring speed, the number of knots on a rope when released from a ship, counted over heartbeats (approximately a second)."
I want you to know our hearts beat for you, every second, for eternity. I cherish our time spent texting and chatting as our friendship grew, and mostly, that day we spent together when you were here for Mallory's birth. That was a day in time I will always remember with awe for what it was and what it meant to Taylor to have you near.
So I found this little clock and hope you will keep it near, and as the seconds tick on, know our hearts are treasuring you. 💕
Happy birthday Andrew. Today you would have been 42 years old. It's been 16 years since we've been in your company. I hope you're flying high with the angels. We miss you!💞
This was shared to me from my sister Maryaina:
Andrew
Comments from my notes from Christopher Dilts, Angel
Communicator
The analogy of Andrew needing to raise his vibration for his
journey,” was he was riding a bike here on earth and he was ready to get to the
next stage of his mission and needed to be flying in a jet”, to get it
accomplished. He couldn’t do it from here.
We will learn from him. He is helping us let go and become
more aware to have more love and acceptance of each other. Let go of the fear.
Some will transform from this passing and some will not.
Everyone will get what they choose to get from the experience. Some will need a
nudge to look and see what changes their life must take so that they embrace
life in a different manner. Let go of the fear.
Some will get great insight from this experience and grow. Some will
close down sadly, closing off life.
What will you choose?
Many angels helped his transition. At the forefront is
Archangel Michael, Protection and Archangel Zadkiel, Prayer.
Archangel Michael is dedicated to the preservation of the
spiritual destiny of every soul.
Archangel Zadkiel guards the powers of invocation. The best
known and most powerful form is prayer for the highest and greatest good from
the deep call within your heart followed by thanks that it is heard.
After Easter is a very good time to pass over. It is a time
full of grace. Many people die at this time and a high percentage by suicide.
It is an easier transition and not evil in any way. It is an answer to a call
to be in the ever-after for purposes our human forms do not comprehend.
You know, I have a real love-hate relationship with April. On the one hand, everything in the outdoors is so beautiful and green. The flowers are beginning to show, starting with my calla lilies in the planter box that actually bloomed in March. It's the season of Easter and rebirth, regrowth, and renewal. What's not to love about April?
What's not to love is that we have lost so many of our dear family and friends in this month. April 15th is especially painful day for me. It is synonymous with tax day, but it is also the day my son was released from his suffering. Several years later, we lost my nephew on the 1st of April, No joke. My brother-in-law's birthday was in April and his untimely death was the catalyst to catapult me into a completely new life. But first I had to go through a long, painful season of rebirth and regrowth.
I'm sure I could find many more parallels if I look for them, but right now the main focus is on my husband's dear best friend Jon, who went into hospice this week. He had been suffering from colon cancer for the past 3 years and it has overtaken his body. We are already grieving, praying, crying, and trying to deal with the inevitable finality that he will be leaving this Earth. We are praying along with this wife that he does accept the Lord Jesus as his Lord and Savior and enters into heaven where his wife Juliet will eventually join him in eternal life. But we know he will go straight to heaven because he's a good person. They are special couple who volunteered with us up at the racetrack and eventually got together in a very happy union. They got married on the same day as our wedding anniversary and we were so happy for them and honored to celebrate with them on that event. We also know because they got together later in life, as we did, that our time on earth is not nearly long enough, and we desperately want more time to spend together. God, Buddha, sacred spirits, a higher power, whatever it is that we believe in and gives us strength, will ultimately get us through and hold our energy forever.
Today on the 11th of April, I am looking for strength and wisdom to stand beside my husband and go through this time of grief. I will be the rock that my husband needs during this time. I know that in addition to losing his friend in current time, his emotions are coming up from all the losses he has suffered, including the loss of his mother when he was a young boy. That dark time is the one that continually haunts his dreams and shaped his future.
But in the end, it is all out of our control. We give it up to God and ask for his forgiveness and his salvation. Amen.
I have a lot of fond memories with Andrew. I can't tell you how many times I saw him do the right thing when it was the hard thing to do. He was a stand-up guy, and I'll miss him.
A family who knew him through church, sports, school and socializing—
Andrew is remembered as a friend to all in our family. He was a great person to be around. He gave everything he did his best and he accomplished much. Andrew was a respectful, polite and obedient young man. A day has not passed since we learned about his death that we haven’t remembered something he said or did that brings a smile to our face. Andrew made many friends in his short time here and we consider ourselves very fortunate to be someone he touched. Kathleen, Bill, Jayne and Rebecca your son/brother is a very special person.
From a youth coach—
Andrew Ramos. What a kid. What a ball player. When I first coached Andrew in little league I knew he would give 110% all the time. It didn’t matter what position I had him play, he could do it all. He could hit, run, and field with the best.
Andrew was a very intense player and always wanted to do better each game; and he usually did. Andrew was one of the easiest kids to coach. He would listen and then would just go out on the field and do it. Sometimes Andrew would be his worst critic about how he was playing, but that didn’t matter because he would go back out there and try even harder to be the best he could.
I still remember that Ramos smile and that never ending desire to play baseball. Andrew had a real good throwing arm, so I guess I saw a quarterback in him, but that was not be because baseball was his true love.
As Andrew was getting older I would see him from time to time and he always had that big Ramos smile, and would ask: “How’s it going?” As I think about my past coaching career, Andrew always comes to mind because he was easy to coach and I could always count on him to do his best. The thing that I admired most about Andrew was his love of the game. Even though he is no longer with us, his memory will live on and will not be forgotten
Andrew, thanks for the time I got to spend with you.
My entry on the obituary guestbook—
Our loss of Andrew is so devastating and we will miss him in so many ways every day for the rest of our lives. The support we have already received from family, friends, hospital staff, employers, and everyone has been so gratifying and helpful in getting through the first week and I want everyone to know the worst is over...Andrew is safe and protected in the loving company of his grandparents, uncles and aunt who have gone before him.
It is our hope that you will remember Andrew with a smile as you perform a task, offer a service to someone, complete a project or participate in a sport or competition. As Andrew was loving and giving, so shall we endeavor to keep that spirit alive every day.
...so I think I will get up now and go clean the bathrooms and scrub some floors. I will do a thorough job and take pride in my work. That was Andrew's way...
It's been awhile since I felt compelled to write about anything, Even though my thoughts of Andrew constantly run through my head every day. I have little moments where he is present and I think about him.
As we march through this year, several of Andrew's cousins and classmates are having their 40th birthdays. It's bittersweet for me to realize how long Andrew has been gone -- 14 years. I didn't get together and have any kind of a celebration for his would be 40th birthday this year. I just called the girls and talked to them on the phone, and talked to Bill, and then made some chili rellenos because Andrew likes them. I think we're all getting to the point where we don't need to cling to each other quite as desperately or something? I'm not sure what it is. We just don't want to make a big deal about his not being here. I guess it's just easier to acknowledge his absence in private. Either way it's sad.
This past weekend a family was recognized whose daughter was murdered while attending Cal Poly. It took 25 years for the Sheriff's department and the DA's office to piece together the puzzle and finally arrest and later convict the person responsible for her death. The sheriff's department had a rodeo this past weekend which I was part of the committee and the family of this girl and the prosecutors, cold case detective and a podcaster were recognized as honored guests. I got to meet the family and speak with them. It made me tremble inside because I knew their pain even though the loss of our children was under completely different circumstances. The way they persevered and were able to keep their daughter's memory alive is truly awe inspiring. They have to be the strongest people to be able to do that and walk through that pain and celebrate their daughter/sister publicly and privately.
The girls body has never been recovered. The killer has never confessed or given up any information that would lead to her whereabouts. They thought they had the location and they found so much evidence that she had been there, but they did not find her. I think I'm going to call on Andrew to help me remember to pray for this girl and pray for the family and pray that they are able to find her.
I keep Andrew in his urn in the living room and he's with me everyday and I am blessed for that.
The how doesnt matter, nor should it be asked. Her daughters and family are grieving and trying to deal with the loss. It was just before she and her daughter Wynonna were to be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. They decided to go forward with it and honor their mother's legacy. Putting on a brave public face must have been extremely difficult, for sure. I know they're feeling the let down today. I know from experience that the ones left behind feel like they have failed.
Mental illness is something Naomi has been dealing with and talking about publicly for many years. It's tragic that she did finally succumb, but the comfort is in knowing that she is released of her suffering here on earth. She was gifted in many ways and will be remembered lovingly.
Besides being tax day, April 15th has a devastating connotation for our family being as the day that Andrew's Spirit left this Earth.
Today was my day off and I spent the day decorating cookies ironically for a friend's memorial celebration that we are planning in a week from today. I didn't even get dressed today. I stayed in my PJs all day, kind of rare and indulgent. It's been 13 years, and over the years on this day I've gotten together with my daughters, I've usually called Bill, but today I just stayed home and didn't call anyone.
I did text the girls kind of an informal message but we didn't talk. I don't think it means we miss Andrew any less or whatever, I just think it means we are not wallowing in the pain so much and moving on with our lives.
Andrew certainly isn't out of our minds, especially when I have to do voice reports dealing with suicides, mental illness, and so forth. Or I remember something funny Andrew did or said or one of the grandkids reminds me of him in some way. He is always with us.
I think I'll call Bill tomorrow, but today, it was just for me to be lost in my thoughts.
