April Showers

You know, I have a real love-hate relationship with April. On the one hand, everything in the outdoors is so beautiful and green. The flowers are beginning to show, starting with my calla lilies in the planter box that actually bloomed in March. It's the season of Easter and rebirth, regrowth, and renewal. What's not to love about April?

What's not to love is that we have lost so many of our dear family and friends in this month. April 15th is especially painful day for me. It is synonymous with tax day, but it is also the day my son was released from his suffering. Several years later, we lost my nephew on the 1st of April, No joke. My brother-in-law's birthday was in April and his untimely death was the catalyst to catapult me into a completely new life. But first I had to go through a long, painful season of rebirth and regrowth. 

I'm sure I could find many more parallels if I look for them, but right now the main focus is on my husband's dear best friend Jon, who went into hospice this week. He had been suffering from colon cancer for the past 3 years and it has overtaken his body. We are already grieving, praying, crying, and trying to deal with the inevitable finality that he will be leaving this Earth. We are praying along with this wife that he does accept the Lord Jesus as his Lord and Savior and enters into heaven where his wife Juliet will eventually join him in eternal life. But we know he will go straight to heaven because he's a good person. They are special couple who volunteered with us up at the racetrack and eventually got together in a very happy union. They got married on the same day as our wedding anniversary and we were so happy for them and honored to celebrate with them on that event. We also know because they got together later in life, as we did, that our time on earth is not nearly long enough, and we desperately want more time to spend together. God, Buddha, sacred spirits, a higher power, whatever it is that we believe in and gives us strength, will ultimately get us through and hold our energy forever.

Today on the 11th of April, I am looking for strength and wisdom to stand beside my husband and go through this time of grief. I will be the rock that my husband needs during this time. I know that in addition to losing his friend in current time, his emotions are coming up from all the losses he has suffered, including the loss of his mother when he was a young boy. That dark time is the one that continually haunts his dreams and shaped his future. 

But in the end, it is all out of our control. We give it up to God and ask for his forgiveness and his salvation. Amen. 

Andrew was a stand-up guy...

From a classmate—

I have a lot of fond memories with Andrew. I can't tell you how many times I saw him do the right thing when it was the hard thing to do. He was a stand-up guy, and I'll miss him.

A family who knew him through church, sports, school and socializing—

Andrew is remembered as a friend to all in our family. He was a great person to be around. He gave everything he did his best and he accomplished much. Andrew was a respectful, polite and obedient young man. A day has not passed since we learned about his death that we haven’t remembered something he said or did that brings a smile to our face. Andrew made many friends in his short time here and we consider ourselves very fortunate to be someone he touched. Kathleen, Bill, Jayne and Rebecca your son/brother is a very special person.

From a youth coach—

Andrew Ramos. What a kid. What a ball player. When I first coached Andrew in little league I knew he would give 110% all the time. It didn’t matter what position I had him play, he could do it all. He could hit, run, and field with the best.
Andrew was a very intense player and always wanted to do better each game; and he usually did. Andrew was one of the easiest kids to coach. He would listen and then would just go out on the field and do it. Sometimes Andrew would be his worst critic about how he was playing, but that didn’t matter because he would go back out there and try even harder to be the best he could.
I still remember that Ramos smile and that never ending desire to play baseball. Andrew had a real good throwing arm, so I guess I saw a quarterback in him, but that was not be because baseball was his true love.
As Andrew was getting older I would see him from time to time and he always had that big Ramos smile, and would ask: “How’s it going?” As I think about my past coaching career, Andrew always comes to mind because he was easy to coach and I could always count on him to do his best. The thing that I admired most about Andrew was his love of the game. Even though he is no longer with us, his memory will live on and will not be forgotten
Andrew, thanks for the time I got to spend with you.

My entry on the obituary guestbook—

Our loss of Andrew is so devastating and we will miss him in so many ways every day for the rest of our lives. The support we have already received from family, friends, hospital staff, employers, and everyone has been so gratifying and helpful in getting through the first week and I want everyone to know the worst is over...Andrew is safe and protected in the loving company of his grandparents, uncles and aunt who have gone before him.
It is our hope that you will remember Andrew with a smile as you perform a task, offer a service to someone, complete a project or participate in a sport or competition. As Andrew was loving and giving, so shall we endeavor to keep that spirit alive every day.

...so I think I will get up now and go clean the bathrooms and scrub some floors. I will do a thorough job and take pride in my work. That was Andrew's way...

Andrew would have turned 40 this year

It's been awhile since I felt compelled to write about anything, Even though my thoughts of Andrew constantly run through my head every day. I have little moments where he is present and I think about him. 

As we march through this year, several of Andrew's cousins and classmates are having their 40th birthdays. It's bittersweet for me to realize how long Andrew has been gone -- 14 years. I didn't get together and have any kind of a celebration for his would be 40th birthday this year. I just called the girls and talked to them on the phone, and talked to Bill, and then made some chili rellenos because Andrew likes them. I think we're all getting to the point where we don't need to cling to each other quite as desperately or something? I'm not sure what it is. We just don't want to make a big deal about his not being here. I guess it's just easier to acknowledge his absence in private. Either way it's sad.

This past weekend a family was recognized whose daughter was murdered while attending Cal Poly. It took 25 years for the Sheriff's department and the DA's office to piece together the puzzle and finally arrest and later convict the person responsible for her death. The sheriff's department had a rodeo this past weekend which I was part of the committee and the family of this girl and the prosecutors, cold case detective and a podcaster were recognized as honored guests. I got to meet the family and speak with them. It made me tremble inside because I knew their pain even though the loss of our children was under completely different circumstances. The way they persevered and were able to keep their daughter's memory alive is truly awe inspiring. They have to be the strongest people to be able to do that and walk through that pain and celebrate their daughter/sister publicly and privately.

The girls body has never been recovered. The killer has never confessed or given up any information that would lead to her whereabouts. They thought they had the location and they found so much evidence that she had been there, but they did not find her. I think I'm going to call on Andrew to help me remember to pray for this girl and pray for the family and pray that they are able to find her. 

I keep Andrew in his urn in the living room and he's with me everyday and I am blessed for that.

Naomi Judd passed away yesterday from Mental Illness

The how doesnt matter, nor should it be asked. Her daughters and family are grieving and trying to deal with the loss. It was just before she and her daughter Wynonna were to be inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. They decided to go forward with it and honor their mother's legacy. Putting on a brave public face must have been extremely difficult, for sure. I know they're feeling the let down today. I know from experience that the ones left behind feel like they have failed. 

Mental illness is something Naomi has been dealing with and talking about publicly for many years. It's tragic that she did finally succumb, but the comfort is in knowing that she is released of her suffering here on earth. She was gifted in many ways and will be remembered lovingly. 

April 15

Besides being tax day, April 15th has a devastating connotation for our family being as the day that Andrew's Spirit left this Earth.

Today was my day off and I spent the day decorating cookies ironically for a friend's memorial celebration that we are planning in a week from today. I didn't even get dressed today. I stayed in my PJs all day, kind of rare and indulgent. It's been 13 years, and over the years on this day I've gotten together with my daughters, I've usually called Bill, but today I just stayed home and didn't call anyone. 

I did text the girls kind of an informal message but we didn't talk. I don't think it means we miss Andrew any less or whatever, I just think it means we are not wallowing in the pain so much and moving on with our lives. 

Andrew certainly isn't out of our minds, especially when I have to do voice reports dealing with suicides, mental illness, and so forth. Or I remember something funny Andrew did or said or one of the grandkids reminds me of him in some way. He is always with us.

I think I'll call Bill tomorrow, but today, it was just for me to be lost in my thoughts. 

Lunch with my new granddaughter

My oldest daughter invited Lee and I to lunch today so we could come up and visit and spend some time with her and my newest granddaughter. She had some gift certificates to use at a cute little restaurant located in a cozy historic home in Templeton. The menu featured many unique combinations. I settled on a Chutney and Brie sandwich and a cup of Moroccan chickpea soup. We sat out on the grand porch and enjoyed the cool breeze while we chatted and enjoyed our lunch.
It's a pretty amazing place to be right now and I'm talking about this time period of our lives. A couple of years ago, my daughter didn't have any plans to ever have children and she was lonely and pretty miserable about her prospects in life. That all changed for her when she began dating Rocky, and now 2 years later, they have a beautiful baby girl that they both love so much.
But the most amazing thing was on our way home, Jayne remarked that even though our family has gone through such really hard times and lost our beloved Andrew, we have come through stronger and tighter as a family. She said she is really happy with her life now as it is. I am glad that both of my daughters are happy, my stepson is happy, and Lee and I are happy. I am just so amazed that we have all progressed to this point. I thank God every day for these blessings.

Bringing County Mental Health issues into focus

Mental health treatment, liability and risk, inmate deaths at the County Jail...these topics are hot right now since the County recently settled a huge lawsuit with a family over the death of their son at the jail.

I was in attendance at my last all staff meeting of the human resources department yesterday. Our director was giving a briefing on current County issues, and the one at the forefront was a lawsuit resulting from the death of an inmate at the county jail.

The agenda was structured in such a way that there would be a few reports made, and then a round table discussion would take place where each staff member would report on their current activity and relay any information to the group that they felt was necessary. My turn to speak would be near the end and I was thinking of what I was going to say to the group as my turn approached.

My direct supervisor had mentioned in her report that I was leaving HR and going transferring back to work for the Sheriff's Department. So I led into my speil by thanking all of the staff members, as I looked around the room at each of them, for all of the experiences and assistance I had received in my year at HR. I told them that the two most impactful terms I had learned this year were: "organically", and "stretch assignment." They all laughed, because that pretty much sums up HR.

Then I briefly explained when I left the Sheriff's Department a year ago, I had to get out of the jail and off the night shift because it was killing me. I had planned  to make a new career, hopefully, in HR Risk Management, but then this opportunity came up for a Legal Clerk position that was too good to pass up. I would be going back to the Sheriff's Department, not at the inside the jail, but into the Records and Warrants Division, where I would be utilizing the skills I learned at HR to take on additional responsibilities and assignments and hopefully progress in that department as far up the chain as I would be able. The schedule, the days off, everything had aligned just as I had wished for, perfectly and organically.

Then I segued into the topic of the recent case and settlement. I told the group that I had an interest in the case because I had a son who had developed schizophrenia and committed suicide eight or nine years ago. I told them how we had tried to get help for Andrew and how difficult it was to navigate a system that doesn't clearly tell a person how to get help for mental health issues. I told them how it was my greatest fear that my son would end up on the streets and get arrested and taken to jail. I told them of how, while working in Booking, I would often take calls from parents or family members who expressed relief that their person had been arrested, because they felt that now they would be able to get the help they needed. I said to this group, of course, that is not how it works.

Mental health cases come in and out of the jail all the time when people are arrested for petty crimes. However, they don't get treatment until they have committed a heinous crime where they will spend a considerable amount of time in jail and psychological reports are mandated to prove their ability or inability to stand trial.

I mentioned that the jail is not equipped to deal with all these mental health cases, as has been stated in recent news articles. I emplored the HR staff to pay attention, and do what they could to ensure improvements in the system occur and that the Community is educated on ways to best intervene for their loved ones and get them the mental health treatment that they so desperately need.

From the moment I began talking about Andrew my tears started following and even though I couldn't look at anyone any longer I knew a lot of them were shedding tears also. I got a lot of hugs from my HR co-workers as the meeting ended and we headed out the door. Even the director came over and gave me a hug and expressed her sympathies for the loss of my son. I have to note here that I had been saying for the past month one of the reasons I was going back to the Sheriff's Department was because it felt more like a family and that I got hugs from the sheriff whenever I encountered him at the county building and I had missed all that. So now in my last meeting, I had made a rather deep and personal connection with the HR staff, and hopefully left them with something that they could relate to in a more human way as they managed their assignments dealing with County issues.

I feel a little guilty leaving my supervisor with the task of filling my job and my role, because I knew I had filled a big void in our Administrative Services Team. It had been a rocky journey for me and my supervisor, but I handled the problems I encountered intuitively, proactively, and  emerged with a base of good relationships with everyone I had worked with there.  My teammates have told me how much they're going to miss me and I know it's true. But fortunately, the stars have aligned, and the perfect person to replace me has appeared. The girl I am training is catching on so quickly and has enough experience in her background that she will be able to take what I have accomplished and run with it. My greatest contribution was in creating an accounts payable manual for our HR department that sifted through all the information and whittled it down to everything a person needs to know about our specific accounts payable responsibilities.

One big plus of what transpired in that meeting was that I did have the ear of the HR Director, who will have much influence on how the county procedes with mental-health issues. I know that I was able to create that emotional, human connection to the issue and that was exactly what I wanted to convey. Some of the comments I received afterward had to do with "being brave". I don't know about that, but I do know that I have put it out there into the universe, and I will be watching to see what the ripple effect could be.